[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]
Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist