@EndhooS: Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
@EndhooS: Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
"Um, just the bread?"
No bread thanks
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain't got all day
@EndhooS: [Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON'T KNOW
Me: An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain
@EndhooS: If you're about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won't help you survive but it'll make an interesting headline.
@EndhooS: [Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
@EndhooS: Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
@EndhooS: "Hey dad"
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
"Just called to say hi"
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
"If I get taken, yes I know"
@EndhooS: Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive "I wouldn't touch 'em if I was a poacher" said 1 massive grey scientist
@EndhooS: Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He's the one you want, kill him...
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct