Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I had to Stop for this
Realize this:
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….