*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
You Might Also Like
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I only treason on days ending in y
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
A duv-egg? In this economy?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.