Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.