I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
the three branches of government
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
my favorite genre of twitter
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.