OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Very good! 👍😂
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.