[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick


friend: How did you get 2 black eyes?

me: I told a girl that if she smiled she would look cuter. Then she punched me in the right eye

friend: what about your left?

me: then I told her to chill


Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no


me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn


Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him


Computer: Choose a password

Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water

Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak


Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?