@English_Channel

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

@English_Channel

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

@English_Channel

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

@English_Channel

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

@English_Channel

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

@English_Channel

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

@English_Channel

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

@English_Channel

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap