[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
friend: How did you get 2 black eyes?
me: I told a girl that if she smiled she would look cuter. Then she punched me in the right eye
friend: what about your left?
me: then I told her to chill
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If 2020 was a cake, it would be a urinal cake
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Computer: Choose a password
Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?