me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[first phone call]
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today