@English_Channel

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

@English_Channel

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

@English_Channel

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

@English_Channel

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

@English_Channel

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

@English_Channel

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

@English_Channel

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

@English_Channel

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

@English_Channel

new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today