pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Why do they call it ’job hunting’ and not ’work-shopping’?