me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?


Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*


I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st


In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.


angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila


I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf


me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!


George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away


You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons