The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
You Might Also Like
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.