I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.