I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest