When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
You Might Also Like
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My favorite farside!!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
we all know this pain all too well
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing