god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
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Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now