Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Employees must applaud the planets.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Aaaa…CHOO!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My background check bounced.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.