I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Oh we’ve met.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?