See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.