Good news: I learned how to build a fire.
Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
I’m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.
Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.
Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?
Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.
You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.
Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”
I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.