No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Dolls on drugs
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?