We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.