How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
brian had himself a morning…
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”