Funny Tweeter

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Page of EtobicokeErnie's best tweets

@EtobicokeErnie : If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

@EtobicokeErnie: My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn't flammable anymore.

@EtobicokeErnie: I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn't have said or done over the past 5 days.

@EtobicokeErnie: My neighbour's son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn't supposed to.

@EtobicokeErnie: Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

@EtobicokeErnie: Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

@EtobicokeErnie: Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

@EtobicokeErnie: Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.

@EtobicokeErnie: My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.

@EtobicokeErnie: The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.