My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today
If your wife asks what would you do without me?
ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer
My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.
I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.
My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?
Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.