@EtobicokeErnie

My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

@EtobicokeErnie

If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.

@EtobicokeErnie

I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.

@EtobicokeErnie

Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

@EtobicokeErnie

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

@EtobicokeErnie

Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.

@EtobicokeErnie

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.