ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.