Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
#Caturday
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.