While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
need him
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable