Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The happy life.. 😊
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.