The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
british sex workers really pound for pound
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here