H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
somebody come look at this
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need