I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.