Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Thursday
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Tough love is true love
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts