If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Who.
Did.
This?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
no refunds
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.