Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I have a new favorite meme page
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”