HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Tammy is short for Tamuel
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?