[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.