fun fact: nike is short for nichael
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
For anyone who needs this today
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together