Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”