HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?
ME: check-check. yes, your honor.
HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*
I want to be rich enough that when complimented on my Star Wars t-shirt I can give it to them revealing the exact same t-shirt underneath.
ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here
WARNING: There isn’t nearly as much beer in the wilderness as Coors commercials lead one to believe.
I do a spot-on impersonation of Linda Blair in The Exorcist whenever a drive-thru cashier asks me to pull ahead bc my order isn’t ready.
“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”
~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants
Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.
ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.
[country music plays in elevator]
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is