*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You Might Also Like
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel