This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.