Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.