There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
You Might Also Like
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice