Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT