Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨