Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it