I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
put ‘er there pardner!
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.