normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
This is hilarious….