Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread