DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine