How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner