*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
dictator is short for richard potato
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
do u think theres a butter planet?
Tell me you get it…🤣
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.