Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FU_Dad's best tweets

@FU_Dad : An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we're not savages.

@FU_Dad: Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

@FU_Dad: Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

@FU_Dad: Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

@FU_Dad: Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

@FU_Dad: My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

@FU_Dad: Me: Man I'm never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There's just too many options

@FU_Dad: Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

@FU_Dad: *puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

@FU_Dad: Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don't play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG