@FU_Dad: Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
@FU_Dad: Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
@FU_Dad: Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
@FU_Dad: Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
@FU_Dad: Me: Man I'm never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There's just too many options
@FU_Dad: Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don't play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG